It seems significant to me that I have chosen The Wizard of Oz to be the metaphor for rediscovering my life and there is a scene when they write the words Surrender Dorothy in the sky. What is also significant to me is that even as a small child, I'm talking 6 or 7, I always wanted to know who the message was intended for - was it to the people of Emerald City, as in you better surrender her...or else? Or was the message to Dorothy - as in Dorothy you need to surrender?
Today, I have decided to retire from the debate society and say it is the latter. Because the former doesn't help me, but the latter does. I need to learn the lesson of surrender, I need to give myself over to it, let it wash all over me.
I love analogies and metaphors, have you noticed? I frequently talk about "Who is driving the bus?" Because I keep thinking that I am driving the bus and if I could just do a better job of it, this old beat up bus might actually get somewhere, so I spend all my time kicking myself and kicking the bus, and then coming up with new schemes to move the bus. Maybe if I push here, or call this tow truck I can move this dented ass bus. And when it doesn't work out, I kick myself some more and put some fresh dents in the bus. And we are still in the parking lot. I need to get clear with the concept that my butt is a passenger on this bus, I am not the driver and as much I am terrified to admit it, I don't have control of this bus. Deep Breathe!
Instead of pushing and kicking this bus - I need to buy a ticket and get on the bus. This is the surrender, willingly getting on for the ride, keeping both eyes open to the adventure, trusting that no matter where the bus goes it will be okay. That makes my eyes water and my gut screams, "What if I can't handle it, what if it is something terrible?" I don't even want to give voice to all of the negative things that swim through my head.
Surrender was hard when I was single and childless; learning how to surrender with a child is the hugest leap of faith. Ahh that is the truth - the leap of faith. Letting God drive the bus, trusting God. Can I do it? Minute by minute, maybe - but I have to start. I'm missing the miracle if I don't.
Okay, here, right now - I surrender my life to the will of God, all that I am, all that I have; I surrender to God's will, which is so much greater than mine. Deep Breath. The phone rings - a bill collector, for a bill I cannot pay. I surrender, it's bigger than me. But God can handle all things. God's will not mine. I surrender. I surrender, I surrender, I surrender.
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